My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Such a big mess for such a small penis
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
