Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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