u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
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It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
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i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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