we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
