your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
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I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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