Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize