I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
3 2 1 whiskey
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
