Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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