sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
