thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed