just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.