I wish I only lived at night.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time