so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There r osticjed everywhere
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
