I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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