So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
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She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
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Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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