I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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