you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He passed out mid-signature
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
