No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
