You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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