you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Randomize
