the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
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She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
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You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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