Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.