So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.