i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
There was a lot of him and a little penis
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
