Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's shark week go big or go home
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.