watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
