since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I DEMAND FORESKIN
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
