Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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