I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
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