What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
