i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize