She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
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I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
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Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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