My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
