They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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