No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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