she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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