i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
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I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
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It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
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