Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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