I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
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We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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