I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
