im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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