i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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