we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
My thoughts exactly.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant