For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
operation have a gay friend backfired
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
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Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
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Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.