So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."