come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
