so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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