I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize