Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
