Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Welp...herpes.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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