Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order