I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for