Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
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when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
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Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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