hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
