Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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