If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
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I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
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If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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